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Sunday, Oct. 23, 2016

Now what am I supposed to do with all this ...

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Gather 'round, ladies and gentlemen, for an amazing spectacle the likes of which you've never seen. This amazing little vehicle, while appearing to be an innocent and slightly banged up Chevy Impala, secretly contains a rip in the space/time continuum which is capable of spilling out enough artifacts to fill a museum. The sheer wonder of it all!

It is now time for "Things I Found In My Car, the 2012 Edition: This Time It's Even Worse."

Seriously. It's worse. There's a reason I only do this once a year. It frightens me. But without further ado, the list:

-- 2 jump ropes (bright blue and bright orange)

-- Books, 5

-- Clothing hangers

-- Purses, 5

-- A bag my brother brought me back from his trip to Jerusalem last year

-- 2 wall hooks, antique silver-style -- like you hang towels on. I didn't know I had them, but I'm glad.

-- 2 mugs

-- A beach bag containing a pair of high heeled shoes, an empty spray bottle, an audiobook, and some foot cream

-- 2 car jacks

-- An aluminum baseball bat

-- An old gym t-shirt (gross)

-- A white sweatshirt

-- A set of baby sheets and a travel crib (for my nephew, don't get any ideas)

-- 2 boxed sets of electrical outlet covers

-- A phone charger

-- A pair of red boxer shorts

-- A pair of zebra striped heels

-- A bottle of Absorbine Jr. muscle pain relief gel (hello, circuit training, and thanks for the aches)

-- A bottle of wheat grass tablets and a bottle of B vitamins (to help with the circuit training, ya know)

-- Motion sickness pills (to prevent puking and promote snoring and drooling)

-- A holster (yep, that's right)

-- The box my new black cowboy boots came in, oddly containing a pair of Converse sneakers belonging to The Police

-- Pajamas

-- A door hanger shaped like Santa Claus

-- The huge bag I always carry in airports

-- A backpack full of emergency supplies

-- A huge white cotton blanket (I have no idea)

-- A large assortment of mismatched socks in a questionable state of cleanliness

-- A chewed up stuffed rabbit that I'm assuming once belonged to a dog

-- A lug wrench

-- A huge golf umbrella (hey, I'm glad I found that)

-- A laptop case (sans laptop)

-- A purple yoga mat

-- An emergency Coleman lantern (because if a national disaster strikes and I'm in my car, the first thing I'll worry about is light)

-- A pair of elephant bookends carved out of wood

-- One of those antique irons made from cast iron, like you used to have to heat over a fire (don't ask why I have it, I really don't know)

-- A scuzzy old pillow

-- The inside drawer of an antique trunk The Police and I bought at a flea market

-- A pair of Spongebob Squarepants pajama pants (I honestly don't think these ever belonged to either one of us -- WHERE did they come from?)

-- A black sweater

-- A can of Oxy Power Out stain remover

-- 4 coats

-- A navy blue dress, still on the hanger

-- A pair of black flat shoes

-- A box of AA batteries

-- A set of deposit slips from an old bank account of The Police's

-- A stack of papers from when I was doing research on absentee ballots (see, I do real professional type stuff, too)

-- A Susan G. Komen for the Cure pink bracelet, which I never took out of the package (I have issues with the commercialization of disease, but that's another lecture for another time)

-- A CD of the original cast recording of "Les Miserables"

-- A scarf

-- A smaller umbrella

-- Bubbles (which are now located on my desk, because bubbles are what's up)

-- Some green gift wrapping ribbon

-- A can of temporary hair color spray, purple

-- Sidewalk chalk

-- My asthma nebulizer

-- A Doobie Brothers CD (I'm not ashamed)

-- A Veggie tales coloring book

-- Two bottles of liquid hand soap

-- A bunch of newspapers (natch)

-- Another sweater

-- A green bandanna

-- 2 leather bookmarks shaped like elephants

-- A package of Thank You cards

-- A new package of gym socks (really, I have been looking for those)

-- A set of antique brass candlesticks

-- A Downy ball

-- One red cowboy boot

-- A pair of leopard print flat shoes

-- A DVD of some guy called the Flying Dutchman? (Apparently he plays the piano -- but I have to watch it now to see if he flies while he does it)

-- A set of linen place mats

-- A knee brace (once again, the circuit training)

-- A purple tablecloth

-- 3 sets of napkin rings

-- A box of matches

-- All hanging on my rearview mirror: my gym access card, press badge, headphones and a registration lanyard from a conference I went to a few months ago)

In summation, I will say only this: if you just stopped me on the side of the road and demanded that I do so, I think I could throw together a fairly decent dinner table, children's party, clothing boutique, antique shop or makeshift gym workout. This, I think, is very telling.


Shannon Spears
Shannon Spears is a staff writer for the Courier News.
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